I’m not even sure I want to write, but frankly I enjoy it. I’m in huge rebellion mode right now – with all of this – all of the content you’ve read here, all of the books I’ve read regarding personal growth and spirituality – all I’ve learned. I’m mentally distancing myself from it now. I kind of have the feeling you get when you eat too much candy and it tasted really good but now you feel crappy and you just have to wait until that feeling goes away.
I’m not entirely sure what this is and where it’s all going. I won’t tell you not to read previous entries – there is truth there – and without it, I’m not here and I think I’m on to something. It’s just not the something I thought I’ve been headed too all this time. I’ve kind of had this feeling-vision in mind about where this work was leading and how I would feel when I get there. And every so often I’d get frustrated, swear I’d forget it, but soon be back on it with the same feeling-vision.
But now that feeling-vision is what I’m comparing to the too-much-candy feeling. I’m sick of it and want nothing to do with it. And haven’t gone back yet and will not. I need a very real focus on my everyday life and I need to forget whatever it is I thought I was doing to solve my problems.
I really don’t know how this works – I just don’t. I’ve worked very hard for many years, doing exercises, meditating, and so on… and two weeks ago I would’ve told you it’s changed my life and it was great. And now I’m telling you that I’m throwing it all away and maybe it was all just a bunch of garbage. But did my quality-of-life increase regularly over this time? Yes! I was much happier two weeks ago than I was 8 years ago.
So I need time away from all of that stuff – lots more time. I want to keep writing though. But it’s going to have to be in this style – this is almost stream-of-consciousness. This style deviates from the previous 40 or so posts, which are somewhat more like informative articles with a point – but this – this is the real emotion from the real development that’s going on now – including the negative stuff.
And I’m done suppressing negativity, too. All I’ve read in all of these books speaks poorly of negative thoughts and attitudes, but sometimes you just feel that way. I’ve tried a million times to stop, take perspective, change my thought… etc etc, just as you’ve read in these books. But it hasn’t changed! And I’m tired of that approach. I’ve actually been taking a different approach and diving full in head-on into the negativity. I just let my mind wrap around it. I can tell you that finally ceasing to resist it is nice. I’m just exploring what happens later.
And I’m also done with letting the opinions of others influence me so much. I think this is part of my anger and rebellion with regards to all I’ve been reading and studying. I’ve always been easy-to-influence. I’ll change my opinion on who’s going to win a football game every time the other team gets possession of the ball. And that, I”m sick of. It has prevented me from speaking my mind and expressing certain emotions (like anger, for example) when they are appropriate. It’s prevented me from peace of mind – and that I’m done with. And the beauty part is … I don’t care what you think about that 